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I’m back!

Finally found the time to tap on my keyboard!!!  I am now 19-months-old.  I am learning a new language.

It has been quite busy the past several months for a several-months-old boy.  Had my christening in the Philippines, went to Singapore, had my shots, went to Philippines again for my Tita Nyanyet’s wedding, then went back to Singapore again.

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I was looking around for ideas for my portrait when I chanced upon a few sites selling posters of babies in animal costumes and in unergonomic body postures.

It got me wondering. Why would someone buy a photo, or a big poster for that matter, of a baby stranger, frame it, and hang it up on the wall?

Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against baby photos. I have nothing against people admiring baby photos. It just that I cannot imagine any Daddy or Mommy or Uncle or Aunt actually buying and hanging baby pictures of strangers.

Why not hang pictures of the children in YOUR OWN life – son, daughter.  If you don’t have your own babies, maybe you have nephews and nieces. Why not display your own baby pictures?

I would whack Daddy’s ass if ever I any Anne Geddes photos as his desktop wallpaper!

I saw a lot of very good photos.  But as I continued browsing, things got a little creepy.

Poll: Is this cute?

geddes

Why in the hell would someone hang a baby, in this case three babies, inside a pantyhose?!  Well, one reason I can think of is – to take a “cute” photo and make money.

And it gets creepier. They now have those little sculptures of baby strangers – still in animal costumes and in unergonomic body postures. Correct me if I am wrong. But this baby fairy looks like Chuckie put GHB in her milk, molested her and dumped her on a rock by the roadside.

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And did you ever wonder what ever happened to the babies in the photos?

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Drugged and Posed

pantyhose

Years After

13

Drugged and Posed

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Years After

Hmm, suddenly, I feel like having a salad.

Daddy’s friends, and even family, often describe him as “Hindi makausap ng matino.” With his droopy eyelids (ala-Garfield), talking to him is like talking to a taong-grasa who just underwent electro-convulsive therapy.

Here is a typical intelligent household conversation.

Mommy (cooking breakfast): Daddy, ano gusto mo sa itlog mo?
Daddy: Kamutin.

Kevin: Eh, paano po gumawa ng itlog na pula?
Daddy: Kamutin mo nang kamutin ng 45 minutes.

Kevin: Eh, paano naman po gumawa ng itlog na maalat?
Daddy: Mag-jogging ka ng 45 minutes.

Kevin: Eh, paano naman po gumawa ng century egg?
Daddy: ‘Wag ka maligo ng 45 days.

Kevin:  Thanks, Daddy.  Your wisdom is overwhelming.

To be fair, he is absolutely right.  Masarap nga kamutin ang itlog.

Dear Dairy

It has been an eon since my last post.  Of the many cool things I could inherit from Daddy, I got his allergic rhinitis. Dang.  My nose is so clogged, it may take Malabanan to suck the mucus out.  But Daddy is too cheap to hire Malabanan so he sucks my sipon out by himself.

I have been on Zyrtec for the past several days.  It helps me sleep at night.  I took a couple of doses a few hours ago…

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Dude!  I am sooo high right now!

Unbelievable…wow…hey, hey, did you know, I heard this, like, did you ever, you know, you could…  if you, you took out both your ummmm lungs out, like, you took them and spread them out..

And you took out and laid, and put them down on the ground or something like that,  and laid them down, you can cover an entire tennis court!

There would be so huge!  Like, imagine that…

I couldn’t.

Anyway….

The list of chemicals inside my body:

1. Mommy’s milk

2. Similac with DHA, ARA, and LSD (Similac costs piso isang guhit! I heard that shabu also costs piso isang guhit.)

3. Cherrifer

4. Salbutamol

5. Zyrtec

(Turns on iPod)

“Tayo’y mag-rakenrol sa ulan!

Baka ako magkasakit!

Okay lang!

Marami akong gamot!”

A very long time ago, Saturday night, April 17, 1993, Daddy, along with his best buddies, watched the Metallica Concert in Manila.  To prepare for the concert and to truly live to the may-never-be-repeated EXPERIENCE, Daddy, Tito Mike, Tito Tarchus and Tito Burns “dehins goli” for 2 days.  They put on their best rock outfit – combat shoes, Eloy’s jeans, “nag-aasin” black t-shirts. They did not love rock.  They LIVE rock.

Being the responsible government scholars that they were, they went to school two days later. Still “dehins goli”.

Skip chapters to today, Daddy shares with me the music that bonded their friendship.

Nothing Else Matters by METALLICA

so close, no matter how far
couldn’t be much more from the heart
forever trusting who we are
and nothing else matters

never opened myself this way
life is ours, we live it our way
all these words I don’t just say
and nothing else matters

trust I seek and I find in you
every day for us something new
open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters

never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
but I know

so close, no matter how far
couldn’t be much more from the heart
forever trusting who we are
and nothing else matters

never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
but I know

never opened myself this way
life is ours, we live it our way
all these words I don’t just say

trust I seek and I find in you
every day for us, something new
open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters

never cared for what they say
never cared for games they play
never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
and I know

so close, no matter how far
couldn’t be much more from the heart
forever trusting who we are
no, nothing else matters

PS: They eventually made “goli” when Lola Ampy refused them entry into the Magtoto residence2 weeks after.

Filler

Daddy is so cool! He made this montage while waiting for his gastrocolic reflex to kick in. (Which is basically, 5 minutes after eating.)

Thanks, Daddy!

whosyourdaddy?

Even when I was still in Mommy’s womb, I noticed a lot of changes in Daddy’s behaviour.

Daddy has never been the “paternal” type. Yes, he loves playing with children. But at the first sign of expulsion of bodily fluids and solids, or when “The Man Show” is on TV, it’s “return to owner” for the baby.

Daddy is a real man – oozing with machismo, a stud, full of mojo.  Or so he claims.

He loves mafia movies, rock music, prefer jeans and t-shirts. He is into electronics stuff and deeply understands aperture, framing, exposure, gigahertz, gigabytes and random access memory.

Daddy never watches “Desperate Housewives”. He believes that it is so “girly”. He prefers to watch “Desperate Housewhores” from his role-model and demigod, Larry Flynt.

He is a real man. He promised himself that fatherhood will not change him. He will not turn out to be like other men who go home before 9:00 PM during a drinking session.

Yeah, right.

Right now, I would say that Daddy has lost 97% of his “machismo”. The remaining 3% is stuck between his thighs.

When he goes to malls, he doesn’t go the electronics or tools department, he directly proceeds to the baby department. When I was still inside Mommy looking like a chewed Texas gum, he bought three pairs of shoes for me. I was thinking, in my present shape and position, I don’t think shoes are my priorities.

Daddy used to be annoyed with Winnie the Pooh. He thinks he is gay. He would say – why would a real man wear a half-shirt? He does not have anything against gay people, or bears, for that matter.  But he firmly believes that it is quite indecent for a man to walk around half-naked below the waist. And he also believes Eeyore is on crack. That is why Eeyore is always looking so stoned and speaks the way he does.

(Daddy says he can’t blame Eeyore for going into drugs.  Maybe Eeyore can’t stand being around with a male bear who wears a half-shirt and  walks around half-naked, a young female pig who looks like a small man, and a male rabbit who jumps around and sounds like an old hag.)

But recently, he has gotten me a lot of Winnie the Pooh stuff – hats, toys, blankets, socks, mittens. But his favourite is Eeyore. Because he believes he is on crack and he looks cute by looking stoned.

Previously, he had difficulty choosing among Samsung or Sony, and Canon or Nikon. Now, he ponders long and hard among Regular Pooh, Classic Pooh, and Baby Pooh. And which of the Classic Pooh – Pooh and Friends? Pooh alone? With Piglet? With Tigger? I think he is having a hard time choosing a pillow for me than when he took his medical board exam.

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I, with my Pooh bonnet, and Daddy with his polka dots matching bedding and pillow cases.

Daddy used to be just plain CRAZY. Now, he is CRAZY FOR BABY STUFF. Daddy always wants to get me something.

Maybe I should ask him for a Lexus.